Subject: [New post] Reactions of Others Part 4: F-f-f-fear

New post on Gender Blog by Darlene Tando, LCSW Reactions of Others Part 4: F-f-f-fear by Darlene Tando, LCSW Although I'm sure I'll blog plenty more about coming out and coping with responses, this is the final installment in my recent four-part series "Reactions of Others". In this blog I'm addressing the F word: Fear. Fear is often a huge component in the reactions of others. In fact, I'd be as bold to guess that when a transgender individual reveals his or her true gender identity and/or plans to transition, there are suddenly three participants in that conversation: the transgender individual, the loved one, and Fear. Of course, how much fear is present depends upon the nature of the relationship between the two people, how long they have known each other, and the world view of the loved one. Any type of change can trigger the fear reaction. Many people prefer things to remain just as they are; familiar, stable, predictable. Change that is unexpected and unwelcome can signal something that is out of one's control. I know many family members and friends feel out of control and powerless regarding this issue. Powerless to change it, powerless to fix it, sometimes powerless to understand.  Ultimately, many loved ones realize it is the decision of the transgender person to act on the transition even if they themselves don't understand or want it. Many loved ones fear they are "losing" someone they love very much, and may not recognize the person he or she becomes. Many fear the one they care about will regret such a significant, life-altering decision. Most, at some point, worry about the safety of their transgender loved one. In addition to these specific fears, having a close friend or family member come out as transgender questions the gender binary. Those who could previously organize gender into two neat little boxes can be thrown by the concept that gender can be fluid and dynamic. It can cause people to question core beliefs; something they always thought they understood. As you probably know, challenging core beliefs makes people uncomfortable. The less the person understands, the more fear will be present to take the place of knowledge and comprehension. Fear of the unknown is often NOT simply fear of the unknown, it's a fear of the "what if", or the "fill in the blank". The ideas and worst-case scenarios people create cause more fear than simply not knowing. Fear can whisper; fear can shout. Fear may be ever-present in the journey your loved ones take to acceptance, or it just may rear its ugly head every now and again. My hope is that when it does, recognize it for what it is. See the fear which may be disguised as anger, and masked in a lashing out you don't deserve. Understand and expect the fear, as fear was likely a part of YOUR journey, too. Let your loved one know you're in this together, the two of you. Eventually fear can be on its way. Darlene Tando, LCSW | January 25, 2012 at 7:00 pm | Tags: coming out, fear, transgender, transition | Categories: Uncategorized | URL: http://wp.me/p1AcSI-1i Comment    See all comments Trouble clicking? Copy and paste this URL into your browser: http://darlenetandogenderblog.wordpress.com/2012/01/25/reactions-of-others-part-4-f-f-f-fear/ Thanks for flying with WordPress.com

Fwd: Prop. 8 News: George Clooney, Appeals Court Timing & More

In This Issue:   Court of Appeals set to Rule on Prop. 8 The American Lawyer Honors AFER's Legal Team "8" across the Country George Clooney to Star in "8" West Coast Premiere Volunteer with AFER 2012 is off to a promising start with AFER's federal Prop. 8 challenge back on the fast track. The new year also marks the launch of our newest national program. In addition to its West Coast premiere starring George Clooney on March 3, AFER and Broadway Impact are bringing Dustin Lance Black's incredible new play "8" to communities across the country to spark understanding and action for marriage equality. Based on the actual transcripts of the historic Prop. 8 federal trial, "8" gives an intimate look at the legal and personal arguments for equality—and the baseless assertions used to justify discrimination. The play will continue to show Americans—one by one—that prejudice and fear cannot stand up to truth and justice.  Try as they might, the anti-marriage proponents of Proposition 8 cannot hide their discriminatory arguments from the American people. This is just the beginning of what we will accomplish this year. Please take a few moments to read the January update of our work here at AFER. Until every citizen can equally enjoy the freedom to marry, AFER will continue to fight in the courts of law and the court of public opinion—and we will win. Sincerely, Chad H. Griffin Board President American Foundation for Equal Rights ___________________________________________________________________ Court of Appeals set to Rule on Prop. 8 AFER's federal challenge to Prop. 8 is back on the fast track. The anti-marriage forces appealed the historic Federal District Court decision that overturned Prop. 8 and now the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals is expected to rule at any moment. Be the first to know. Get breaking updates from AFER, the sole sponsor of the federal challenge to Prop. 8. Sign up > Spread the word. Make sure your friends and family know what is happening with Prop. 8. ___________________________________________________________________ "Best of the Year"  The American Lawyer Honors AFER's Legal Team The lead attorneys and law firms representing the plaintiffs in Perry v. Brown, AFER's landmark federal lawsuit challenging California's Proposition 8, were awarded "Litigator of the Year" and "Litigation Department of the Year" by The American Lawyer. Read more >      ___________________________________________________________________ "8" across the Country With more locations being added each day, so far over 40 local colleges and community theaters across the nation will perform "8" this year to spur understanding, dialogue and action for marriage equality nationwide. The new play by Academy Award-winning screenwriter and AFER boardmember Dustin Lance Black is an unprecedented account of AFER's landmark challenge to Prop. 8 and is based on the actual court transcripts, media interviews, and first-hand observations. Read the Associated Press exclusive announcement > Check out the map of upcoming performances > If you are a college group or community theater, sign up to stage a reading > ___________________________________________________________________ George Clooney to Star in "8" West Coast Premiere Academy Award-winning actor George Clooney will star in the West Coast premiere of "8" on March 3. The one-night-only, all-star benefit reading at the historic Wilshire Ebell Theater in Los Angeles will raise critical funds for AFER's lawsuit challenging Prop. 8 and the effort to win full marriage equality for all. Be sure to follow "8" on Facebook and Twitter for more cast announcements this week. Read more > Event and ticket information > ___________________________________________________________________ Volunteer with AFER Lend a hand for marriage equality! AFER could use your help at special events in the Los Angeles and San Francisco areas. Sign up to volunteer > American Foundation for Equal Rights ©2011|  Stay Connected

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New Post by Darlene Tando Reactions of Others Part 3: Your Alignment; Their Transition

New post on Gender Blog by Darlene Tando, LCSW Reactions of Others Part 3: Your Alignment; Their Transition by Darlene Tando, LCSW I've talked a lot in this blog about the process of discovery transgender people go through and how there are often two major parts: realizing one is transgender (has the gender identity of something other than their sex at birth) and deciding what they are going to do about it, normally described as "transition".  For the sake of this specific blog's concept, I'll be describing the process a transgender person goes through as alignment and the process the loved ones go through as transition. If the transgender person chooses to go through the process of changing his or her gender, he or she is aligning himself or herself with their "real" gender. There are several definitions of align; the one I choose for this topic is "to move or be adjusted into proper relationship or orientation". It's critical people understand the choice to transition is a way of making things right, not deciding to change something that is already perfect. Deciding to align oneself is typically the result of many years of contemplation, possible ambivalence, agonizing, the weighing of options, and considering all outcomes.  Finally making the "big decision" can bring on feelings of relief, gratitude, and excitement, mainly because they have decided to ALIGN themselves, and that is a positive thing. Yet these feelings are not usually shared by the loved ones of the transgender individual. They are the ones who have to fully transition from an idea they have about who their loved one is to something different. Transition: "change or passage from one state or stage to another". When you reveal your gender identity and/or plans to align yourself, you are asking your loved one to adjust to the idea that you are about to change, when they like you just the way you are. ;)  (Additionally, the change loved ones anticipate tends to be more dramatic than what happens in reality, so there is fear involved here, too.)  They are often presented with years of your contemplation delivered in one single revelation; in a moment they are forced to adjust to an entirely different idea of you than they had in the moment before. Hundreds of things likely go through their heads in that moment; things that you have been contemplating for some time now. Whatever their initial reaction, remind yourself they are playing "catch up" and will likely need some time. Although all of you are involved in this big change, these two perspectives can make this experience very different for each of you. This depends on whether you are aligning yourself with something that feels better to you, or having to transition to an idea that feels altogether foreign. The Cold Lake Analogy Picture this: you want to go swimming in a very cold lake. You first stick your toe in, shiver a bit, but forge ahead. Slowly, inch by inch, you submerge your body in the lake. It's uncomfortable, but you're determined to take a swim. Once you have been treading water for about 5-10 minutes, the water seems to feel much warmer. Eventually it's hard to remember you thought the water was cold at all. You see your friend and yell, "Come on in, the water's fine!". He sticks his toe in. His response? "What, are you crazy?? It's FREEZING!".  Looking at you submerged in the water, smiling, your friend just can't understand what it is you are doing, or how it feels good to you. This tends to be the way a loved one looks upon the transition; by the time the transgender individual "comes out", he or she has been adjusting to the "water" for much longer. One thing to keep in mind from this analogy is that the water both people are feeling is the exact same water; the same temperature. The difference in their interpretations of the feeling of the water largely comes from how long each has been getting used to it. The positive spin on this is that given more time, the other person may be treading water before you know it. :) To the loved ones of transgender individuals: when your loved one reveals his or her plans to align themselves with their brain gender identity, please keep in mind he or she is revealing a way to make themselves right. They are not doing something to you, or trying to disrupt something you like just the way it is. They are trying to be whole; they are trying to be happy. To the transgender individuals, this is my gentle reminder that you are asking your loved ones to jump into a very cold lake! Be patient, be kind (to them and yourselves) and keep your eye on the prize… YOU, aligned. Darlene Tando, LCSW | January 16, 2012 at 3:38 pm | Tags: coming out, gender identity, reactions of others, responses to coming out as transgender, transgender, transition | Categories: Uncategorized | URL: http://wp.me/p1AcSI-1f Comment    See all comments Unsubscribe or change your email settings at Manage Subscriptions. Trouble clicking? Copy and paste this URL into your browser: http://darlenetandogenderblog.wordpress.com/2012/01/16/reactions-of-others-part-3-your-alignment-their-transition/ Thanks for flying with WordPress.com

: January PFLAG Newsletter

Our January PFLAG Newsletter is now online at: http://pflag.com/pdf/pf_news_current.pdf 

We hope you can join us for our San Diego General Meeting on Mon, Jan. 23 at 7:00 pm at the First
United Methodist Church, 2231 Camino del Rio South in Mission Valley. Our presentation is about the Stonewall Citizens' Patrol, a volunteer neighborhood watch patrol group which serves as extra eyes and ears for the San Diego Police Department in the areas of Hillcrest, North Park and University Heights. We will begin with our support groups, followed by our cookie social and then the presentation. See inside the newsletter for other support groups throughout the county.

If you have not already done so, please renew your membership for 2012 or join for the first time. Membership information and application is included in this newsletter. Applications are also available through our website: www.pflag.com or directly at: http://pflag.com/pdf/pf_memberapp.pdf

Fwd: Rebecca Laird & Michael Christensen at AGC this Sunday

This Sunday at AGC --

Sunday, January 15 -- Rebecca Laird and Michael Christensen -- a married couple with children, ordained ministers in two Wesleyan denominations, and religion professors on two coasts -- tell their story and share their perspectives. Westminster Presbyterian Church library, 2:30 PM

 

Upcoming Programs at AGC in early 2012 --

Sunday, January 22 --  Todd Clayton, recent college graduate and university student leader, offers an update on his story. In March 2011, just after spring break, Todd told his coming-out story to over 400 listeners.The gift of his story has been a catalyst for discussion on LGBT issues and faith at his alma mater

Sunday, January 29 -- Ron Jessee tells his story. Ron grew up Nazarene in the 1960s, came out in the early 1970s, and has had a full career in teaching, administration and church music--as an openly gay man. Ron will also share a "how to" guide regarding the way to sustain a deep spiritual commitment in the face of rejection from one's home church or denomination

 
History

All God's Children (AGC) was founded to offer a safe space--especially for students--for open conversation on LGBT issues and faith. Programs include the telling of (usually first-person) stories, presentations by pastors and professors out of their study and experience, and the screening of documentary films. In the past, students and employees of universities, members of local churches, and residents of the larger San Diego and Southern California area have attended. All who come in a spirit of honest inquiry are welcome.

 -----------------------------

For the past four academic years, All God's Children (AGC) has met almost weekly (except during some PLNU breaks) on Sundays, 2:30-4:30. Sessions are dedicated to an open discussion of LGBT issues and faith. Participants are asked to respectfully listen to and engage in a variety of contributions to discussion in a spirit of honest inquiry. Moderators ask participants to honor the announced program topic and to be courteous to speakers. The new church home of AGC is Westminster Presbyterian Church (USA), 3598 Talbot St. (at the corner of Canon and Talbot), in Point Loma. The library is one level below the upper parking lot and and on the same level as the lower lot.

All God's Children Programs for January

Upcoming Programs at AGC in early 2012 --

Sunday, January 8 -- No meeting

Sunday, January 15 -- Rebecca Laird and Michael Christensen -- a married couple with children, ordained ministers in two Wesleyan denominations, and religion professors on two coasts -- tell their story and share their perspectives

Sunday, January 22 --  Todd Clayton, recent college graduate and university student leader, offers an update on his story. In March 2011, just after spring break, Todd told his coming-out story to over 400 listeners.The gift of his story has been a catalyst for discussion on LGBT issues and faith at his alma mater

Sunday, January 29 -- Ron Jessee tells his story. Ron grew up Nazarene in the 1960s, came out in the early 1970s, and has had a full career in teaching, administration and church music--as an openly gay man. Ron will also share a "how to" guide regarding the way to sustain a deep spiritual commitment in the face of rejection from one's home church or denomination

 
History

All God's Children (AGC) was founded to offer a safe space--especially for students--for open conversation on LGBT issues and faith. Programs include the telling of (usually first-person) stories, presentations by pastors and professors out of their study and experience, and the screening of documentary films. In the past, students and employees of universities, members of local churches, and residents of the larger San Diego and Southern California area have attended. All who come in a spirit of honest inquiry are welcome.

 -----------------------------

For the past four academic years, All God's Children (AGC) has met almost weekly (except during some PLNU breaks) on Sundays, 2:30-4:30. Sessions are dedicated to an open discussion of LGBT issues and faith. Participants are asked to respectfully listen to and engage in a variety of contributions to discussion in a spirit of honest inquiry. Moderators ask participants to honor the announced program topic and to be courteous to speakers. The new church home of AGC is Westminster Presbyterian Church (USA), 3598 Talbot St. (at the corner of Canon and Talbot), in Point Loma. The library is one level below the upper parking lot and and on the same level as the lower lot.

News from the Center - Remembering Joe Colombo

About   Giving   Events   Programs   Other Resources   Join Us   Contact January 9, 2012 News of Note... Christopher's Center Connection Our sincere thanks to Cox Communications and Macy's for supporting The Center's Hillcrest Youth Center (HYC). A $3,000 grant from Macy's will support the expansionof healthy relationship education at the HYC, while a generous $2,500 gift from Cox Communications will be used to enhance HYC's cyber center. Since July 2000, HYC has offered programming for over 3000 LGBT youth ages 14 to18. We are fortunate to have great corporate sponsors like Macy's and Cox Communications whose generous support makes our work with San Diego's LGBT youth possible!  Christopher Mills Major Gifts Officer  Sponsor Spotlight   Equality Partner Spotlight   Remembering Dr. Joseph Colombo Former Center board member and generous benefactor Dr. Joseph Colombo died suddenly on January 2, 2012, at the age of 57. Born in Brooklyn, NY, Joe is survived by his parents, two siblings and many loving family members as well as a vast number of friends, colleagues and mentees who will deeply miss his good heart, quick wit and sharp intellect. READ MORE... Holiday Hours The Center will be closed Saturday, Jan. 14, through Monday, Jan. 16, in honor of Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Regular hours will resume at 9 am on Tuesday, Jan. 17.   Equality Voters Vote! Are you registered? Find out at www.sdvote.com. Every vote matters. Want to vote by mail in the comfort of your home? It's easy! Click on this link to the mail ballot application. Save the Dates Saturday, March 24 – Women's Fest Thursday, Apr. 26, 2012 – Dining Out for Life® San Diego Friday, May 25, 2012 – Harvey Milk Diversity Breakfast Saturday, June 30, 2012 – Happy Birthday Frida Sunday, Sept. 30, 2012 – AIDS Walk San Diego Saturday, Oct. 6, 2012 – Anniversary Gala Saturday, Oct. 27 – Nightmare on Normal Street Spotlight Events... Tuesday, Jan. 10, 6-7:30 pm, LGBT Parents Support Group Having a tough day? Learned the secret to not having a tough day? If you need a sympathetic ear – or if you just want to meet other parents in the area – then this group is for you. If you've already dealt with issues such as coming out, temper tantrums, troubled teens or single parenting, come share your experiences and insight with others. This group meets on the second Tuesday of every month. Free child care is available if you RSVP by the first Tuesday of each month. For more information, contact Jane at families@thecentersd.org. Tuesday, Jan. 10, 10 am, Spanish Class Join us for basic conversational Spanish every Tuesday at 10 am and Saturday at 1 pm, beginning Jan. 10. For more information, contact LaRue Fields at seniors@thecentersd.org. Thursday, Jan. 12, 5 pm, Multi-Cultural LGBT Support Group LGBT men and women of all cultural, social and ethnic backgrounds are invited to join us in reaching out to each other for support and insight, sharing stories and concerns and discussing how we are handling our lives. This group will meet at The Center in Group Room 2 at 5 pm on Thursdays. In the News... San Francisco Gay Couple Wins Reprieve from Deportation Threat Battle Over Marriage Equality Set to Go Nationwide Program Activities: Youth, Seniors, Families, Men, Women, HIV Community and More... Tuesday, Jan. 17, Tuesday, Jan. 24, 7 pm, Twenty-Something? Got Something to Discuss? Join the 20-Somethings Men's or Women's Group! Wednesday, Jan. 18, 6:30, Changing Reels at Hillcrest Youth Center Monday, Feb 6, 5:30 pm, LGBT Caregivers & Grief Support Group Wednesday, Feb. 7, 7 pm, L3: Ladies, Laughter and Literature, Women's Book Club Latin@ Services HIV Testing at The Center HIV Behavioral Health Services & Counseling (English & Spanish) Community... Saturday, Jan. 14, 8 pm Laugh Yourself Silly (at half price, no less)! Monday, Jan. 16, 7:30 am, All People's Breakfast Volunteer with Lambda Archives! Help the SAFE CA Campaign replace the Death Penalty in CA with life imprisonment! Interested in Public Policy? Capitol Fellows Program Trains Future Leaders - Apply Now! Know someone heading to college? San Diego Foundation has scholarships available – check them out! Feb. 17-20, Supporting Students, Saving Lives Conference   A Fabulous Menu of Giving Opportunities! No matter what strikes your passion and heart most deeply -- youth, seniors, families, housing, equality work --  there are a menu of giving opportunities to help support the 50,000 service visits for LGBT San Diegans that we provide every year! Every dollar you can give helps to support the services, projects and programs that make a difference for so many in the LGBT San Diego community. You don't have to give thousands to make a difference in lives. Give what you can and together we can all keep making a difference! Thank you so much for your generosity and for all you do! Career Opportunities... Know someone who is right for the job?  Bilingual Licensed Staff Counselor Volunteer Coordinator Forward to Friends Sign Up for the Newsletter

 

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Happy New Year from Purple Books! In this issue: Events Thanks from Ronni Welcome! To book a speaker... To Subscribe or Not An Invitation to Write Write a Review Book Titles The Purple Golf Cart: The Misadventures of a Lesbian Grandma by Ronni Sanlo. Release date, Jan. 27, 2012 Sing, Meadowlark, Sing by Helen Ruth Schwartz. Release date, Jan. 27, 2012 Warren's Words: Smart Commentary on Social Justice by Warren Blumenfeld. Release date, Feb. 20, 2012 The Mystery of Jessica Benson by C.K. Laurence. Release date, Feb. 20, 2012 Events Jan. 19, 2012. The Villages Rainbow Family. 3 PM March 21, 2012. Desert Wroters Expo, Rancho Mirage Library, Rancho Mirage, CA April 21-22, 2012. Los Angeles Festival of Books, USC September 11, 2012. Stone Wall Library and Archives, Ft. Lauderdale, FL Thanks from Ronni Thank you for visiting Purple Books Publishing. We wish you a happy, healthy 2012, and good reading! Warmly, Ronni Dr. Ronni Sanlo, Owner Welcome! Welcome to Purple Books Publishing! Purple Books is committed to publishing smart literature for, by, or about lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people, places, and history. During 2012, we intend to produce a number of books that appeal to a variety of audiences. Beginning in February, each monthly issue of the newsletter will provide a synopsis of one of our books and a biography of the author. We'll also present a synopsis of some aspect of LGBT history. Giving Back As part of our philosophy and commitment to equal rights, we will donate a percentage of our sales to an LGBT-related organization each quarter. The dollars you spend on our books, whether electronic books or print copies, will help support organizations that are doing outstanding work to make LGBT life better. For 2012, the selected organizations are: 1. Friends of Project 10 Scholarship fund, Los Angeles 2. Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) Billboard project, Jacksonville, FL 3. Consortium of Higher Education Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Resource Professionals 4. Rainbow World Fund To book a speaker... Purple Books authors are also wonderful, engaging speakers who would love to read and sign books for your book store, coffee shop, radio or television program. They especially love phone chats and skypes with book clubs around the country. To schedule one of our authors or Dr. Sanlo, email Ronni@purplebookspublishing.com To Subscribe or Not To become part of the Purple Books group, click here If you prefer to not receive further newsletters, do nothing. Your email address is added ONLY when you subscribe. We hope you'll join us on this literary journey! At least check our website and blog periodically! An Invitation to Write As we grow, we seek manuscripts for publication consideration. Our divisions include: •Memoir, Biography, Auto-biography: Sharing the lives of LGBT and Ally people throughout history •Fiction: by or about LGBT/A people, focusing on LGBT/A people and experience •Academic/Politics/Commentary: works appropriate for academic studies, current political climate, and intellectual commentary •Arts, Scripts, and tasteful erotica: poetry, music, and television/stage/screen scripts •Children and Young Adults: appropriate for youth about LGBT issues and families If you have a good idea or a completed manuscript and wish to be considered, please visit our Submissions page and follow the instructions. Write a Review When you read one of our books, please feel free to submit a review on our blog

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